Edited by Jim Campbell
For U.S. Distribution
January 31, 2016
A female liberal protester wrote a lot of letters to the Department of Defense, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents as well at President Trumps recently issued executive order of travel to the U.S. from selected Middle Eastern countries.
She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:
The United States Defense Department
Secretary of Defense, James Mattis
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by United States and coalition forces, who were later transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department under the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens, around the country, under those citizens personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
You will be pleased to know that a designate from the Department of Home Land Security will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with their recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome those character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers, at your personal expense.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in
the United States
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.
You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.
Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to his new home in the United States.
Thanks again for your concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow-man.
Good luck and God bless you.
Secretary of Defense.
P.S. Think of this as a draft notice.
In the event you decide you are no longer interested you will be scheduled to appear for your United States Marine Corps. Boot camp training within two weeks of hearing from you at Camp Lejeune, Jacksonville, North Carolina.
There are no whiners and complainers in the United States Marines